A tight hug.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum my imaginary readers. It's been ages since the last I wrote those words and I feel very emotional because it feels like I'm finally home to 'myself'. I haven't written for so so so long, that so many things are accumulating inside me and it's very suffocating. As I type these words, it's all coming back to me and I've reminded again of how much I enjoy writing and expressing myself through words. 

If you are still reading this and will continue to do so, I want to thank you. For nothing particular, for just being you, for whatever position you are in my life. 

If you know me personally (or not), you may know that I'm on socials most of the time. And to be fate it is, just now I encountered this one post: 

"When you notice your mental health declining, do one small thing that brings you peace. Take a shower, text a loved one, step outside. One little step is all you need to remind yourself that this is not permanent."

A small piece of cardboard hanging on a pole in the middle of a walkway, photographed by a stranger and being posted online. Just a simple picture on Twitter, retweeted by a friend. Just there, at the time where I'm scrolling my feed when I was in the middle of a meltdown. Yes, you read that correctly. I broke down a few hours ago, totally wasn't feeling like myself. By far the worst I have felt the entire time I was living for 23 years. Not to make a big deal out of anything but, I literally held a tool on my wrist, actually thought of hurting myself. But I couldn't do it, remembering how painful it would be even when it's unintentional. And that summed up all the crying I have been doing to everything these past few weeks. But I'll write about the whole thing later, in another post maybe. 

And so, I got up, switched on the light, throw my leftovers dinner, grabbed my towel and head for the shower. I took out the new body wash I bought yesterday, while the old one was still in the bathroom- hoping to trigger my brain to feel energize from a new smell. After the shower, I took my phone and facetimed my parents; following what the quote earlier asked me to do. Asked mak the usuals: what they are doing, what they are having for dinner, and then I went on and told them about my unfortunate cooking encounter (I splashed boiling oil to my face when I cooked the day before yesterday) to be the reason so that I don't have to explain myself when I burst into tears that have been carrying all my anxiety and stress and homesick and whatever word you can use to describe feeling sad. After the call ended, my crying stopped and I felt like a huge rock has been lifted from my chest just by seeing and hearing my loved ones' faces and voices and so here I am being calm and all, writing. 

When I was crying like a crazy person just now, a thought came across my mind. One single sentence, three words. "Am I depressed?" and from there followed all the negative thoughts and then the 'trying to feel pain' act came along too. Too many feelings being felt that I couldn't even describe it. And at that particular moment, I just want one thing. A hug. A very tight hug from anyone. But when I realised all the people that I've thought of couldn't be here, giving me a physical hug that I need, I cried again. I've never felt this kind of lonely before. And I don't wish to feel it again, ever.

I felt so much better after taking that one little step to remind myself to validate whatever I was feeling, no matter how silly it is, but to remember that those feelings are temporary. But anyway, the sole purpose of this post is just to say how I was beyond grateful that Allah is always there for me and today's event is just one of His ways to remind me of that. Thank you, Ya Allah. Your timing is always beautiful and I'm thankful for the unique way of giving me the 'hug' that I need. 

I will stop here and continue in another post, though I still have so many things to write because if not I swear I will not write again for another two years. So as usual, till then, assalamualaikum.

source: Twitter

Love,
D.