How 2018 has treated me?

I've been meaning to write for a very long time already. It's like I literally have no time to even sleep sometime. Now that 2018 has finally come to an end, I feel like I have to write something since this year has been very difficult for me. If I were to say how bad it was, remember when in bahasa people always say, "hidup ni bagaikan roda, kadang kita di atas kadang kita di bawah" or "life is full of ups and downs"? Well, 2018 for me is like the very bottom of the wheel and it hit a very big rock and it stopped for a little while there.

So how exactly has 2018 treated me? Well, that sounded a little selfish though. So how exactly have I spent my 2018? To put it in some sort of a phrase, I would say 2018 was the start of my journey to adulthood and it was definitely not a good one. Looking back in the days of 2018, I actually did something very big. I actually freaking MOVED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY. Though it wasn't my first time being apart from my family (and my cats) still,  I have never been this far.

Living abroad made me realized so many things and somehow changed a part of me. I was hoping to become a better and more mature person as I am living on my own. But the expectation still remains expectation for the time being. On the other hand, I don't feel like myself and the part of me that is actually me is somewhere in Malaysia maybe and obviously somewhere in my past.

Being 21, I already have to pay my own rent, my own bills and have to actually make life decisions. Yeah I know for many might think 'well you're not special' 'you're not the only one who's growing' 'don't be such a baby and complain' 'grow up already' and whatnot. But I just can't adapt to it. Yet, I hope. It's a very big step for me. *cries in a corner*

On top of that, not that I am only far from people I love,  I also kind of feel like I have strayed away from 'the path'.Well in easy words, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure whether living in a country which has a minor community of Muslims was mainly the reason or not. But I do know that I miss myself being in 'the environment' that brings me closer to Him. I know that I wasn't supposed to blame the environment and surroundings but have to actually build a very strong faith in me, myself. But yeah, let's hope for the best and I'll appreciate your prayers.

Adding up to my emotional and spiritual problems, here goes my academically problem. Kinda specific yeah? Well, having to learn something that you're not very fond of in a foreign language is indeed very challenging. I know most of everyone who studies in foreign countries (especially non-English speaking country) would probably face the same problem. Well, I know some. Because, due to the language barrier, we sometimes left behind in lectures, become very useless in group works, fail to voice out our opinions and can barely express our 'true' selves. It may sound that I kind of putting the blame on it but somehow I kind of hit a few rocks since I started my studies here in Japan because of that barrier. Not that I hit the rock bottom that I can't swim back up but I do feel like I'm drowning (and for the record, I literally can't swim so if I hit rock bottom, I seriously can't swim back up) so I'm not sure when exactly I could go back up or when someone will throw a 'float' to help me survive. I should really learn how to swim as soon as possible (literally and metaphorically).

Basically, at this point, I will continue talking about the downside of my life in 2018. So if you kinda bored reading about it, you may stop here now. With all the problems I've mentioned above, I have also struggled financially for every once in a while (read: every month) and by my choice (read: by spending my money recklessly). And with that, I started doing part-time (for the very first time in my life!). Well, money was mainly the reason but not the only one though. Anyways, one question, how do I survive real working life? I mean, even doing a part-time job has been stressing me out nearly every week. Can I cry again now? Thanks.

Don't get me started on how lonely I was and all the relationship problems I faced throughout this year. (May seemed to be not a very big deal but since I'm such a crybaby and weak so they are kind of a big deal for me). Now that I'm living abroad, my level of loneliness has increased rather drastically. I mean, frankly speaking, I decided to cut ties with one or two people in this year. Some by choice, some unwillingly. Not that I can't move on easily, just that I still have a very heavy feeling whenever I encounter those people; face to face or even in social media like there are times I miss myself when I was with them. She definitely has more substance than the recent me. But it's okay, I can't be regretting it right? Especially after what I had done, right? And I know, crystal clear, I definitely don't deserve a second chance. Using this opportunity, I'd like to thank everyone who stands me, accept me and stays. To everyone who I wronged, I am really sorry and thank you for giving me a chance to participate in chapters of your life.

So basically that's how my 2018 went and honestly, I'm glad to be able to spend a few last days of this year with my parents and siblings. It's like no matter how bad my life is or was, they will always be there for me. My 2018 end-year post may seem to be filled with negativity but it's not that I am not grateful for the wonderful things that had happened. Looking back again, I did graduate my preparation study in Malaysia and got my diploma. I also went to watch the beautiful fireworks festival with my best friends, went to beautiful places with amazing accompanies and many more. With that, I really hope my 2018 self was here to actually teach me how life is going to be, to strengthen my heart, belief and faith and for me to learn from all my mistakes so that I can grow and be a better person, insyaAllah.

I hope every one of you; my imaginary readers, have a wonderful and blessed year next year and I hope we all be a better version of ourselves. 良いお年を~!

さようなら、2018年!

Love,
D.