Love, D.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamualaikum my imaginary readers. It's been ages since the last I wrote those words and I feel very emotional because it feels like I'm finally home to 'myself'. I haven't written for so so so long, that so many things are accumulating inside me and it's very suffocating. As I type these words, it's all coming back to me and I've reminded again of how much I enjoy writing and expressing myself through words.  If you are still reading this and will continue to do so, I want to thank you. For nothing particular, for just being you, for whatever position you are in my life.  If you know me personally (or not), you may know that I'm on socials most of the time. And to be fate it is, just now I encountered this one post:  "When you notice your mental health declining, do one small thing that brings you peace. Take a shower, text a loved one, step outside. One little step is all you need to remind yourself that this is no...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my imaginary readers. *long sigh* Oh my this blog feels ancient. My last post was like what, March? and now it's already July. It's just almost 3 months but felt like one long year has passed. As most of you guys know, I am currently working now. Like working, working - doing real work, meetings and whatnot. But that's a whole other story and today I wasn't going to talk about that. I've been meaning to write for ages but just couldn't find the right words to express myself and of course, time-constraint.  Today's post, I actually wanted to tell you guys -- after god knows how long being in a reading slump, I'm finally reading again. Although have to admit, so far I can only manage to read while commuting and still struggling to stay focus and awake. I feel like I'm in a battle for every sentence that I'm reading. But anyway, as per all the books that I always ended up reading, the book that I'm reading now to...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my imaginary readers.  It's been quite a while since I last write. And finally, here's my very first post for this year.  It's March already if you guys haven't noticed and you guys gotta agree with me that this year have been so fast so far right? Well TMI about me? Nothing much had happened except that I am no longer a student. Although it's not official yet and unfortunately, I can't really make a big deal out of it. As some of you might not know, due to the recent Covid-19 epidemic, my graduation ceremony got cancelled. Somehow, I am still in denial and don't know how to counter these sad feelings yet. Also, please take care of yourselves ya guys and remember to frequently wash hands with soap okay? Anyway, I'm back home in Malaysia now and I'm going back to Japan in four days (pls pray that I'll be fine) and I have encountered few things that made me think again about the movie Aiman Azlan recommended ...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my imaginary readers.  I don't even know where to start. All this while, I have always been saying that I hate how a year went and how there are so many things that I have regretted throughout the year. But, I can finally say that I love this year and very thankful for how this decade ends. For all these years being a kid, being in school, I can only imagine how complicated and exciting being an adult is. And when I started to enter my 20s 2 years back, I finally got a taste of how adult life is. But this year is different. This year is the last year I am officially no longer a student. I AM NOT GOING TO BE A STUDENT ANYMORE. Well for the time being at least. Though I am still going to keep learning in everything that I do, it's different. I can't even imagine being in a working environment. Officially an ADULT.  I've met so many new people, but I still cut ties with some. I travelled quite a few times and really really grateful for that. ...

Assalamualaikum and hi to all my imaginary readers! I wonder if I ever can be a legit blogger. I can't even keep up with posting regularly. I procrastinate a lot and I am always out of ideas. It's amazing how Aida Azlin can do it- writing Tuesday's Love Letter, weekly. Like today, since I am off from my part-time job, I took a day-off from doing my research (read: refuse to go to the university ( and this is not very healthy cause I actually have so many things to do and my research is actually meeting a dead end and I definitely have to find something else in order for me to graduate )) and forced myself to take a shower, dressed up and took a train to the nearest Starbucks and here I am, sitting at a table, writing while drinking Venti size of Caramel Macchiato. Not like I'm obligated to write a blog post or anything, just that I feel like I have to get some things out of my head since it's getting a lot messier. So, getting back to the title- Am I on the...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my imaginary readers! How's your Ramadhan so far? I really hope the holy month brings us the utmost in peace and had brought us closer to Allah not just in the month itself, but I pray that the spirit of Ramadhan remains in our hearts and lights up our souls from within. Also, I hope the remaining days of our Ramadhan will be filled with many ibadahs and hope we all get to find Laylatul Qadr (disclaimer: copy-pasting sentences from postcards I've sent out).  As this is the second year that I have spent and may or may not be the last year that I will spend Ramadhan abroad, away from my family, I've decided to write a post about it. Though I thought I have so many things to talk about which I supposed to have to, but now the words are just not coming out. Anyways, I hope when you are reading this, you are actually wondering how different it is to celebrate Ramadhan, not in the place or situation or among people that you are used to. I...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my imaginary readers! Funny thing- my very first post in 2019! How are you guys, been well? These few days I’ve been here and there and emotionally unstable. I’m not sure whether it’s the time of the month or what but when I checked it’s not it (so I can’t really blame it on my menses). Come to think about it, I am at one of the peaks in my life. Not a good kind of peak but a very miserable one. Making decisions. One of the things that I’m not just not good at but also hate to do. That and also growing up. Growing up is so messy especially because it’s not a destination, it’s a journey. And it’s filled with thorns and so many falling downs.   Wish I could tell you guys, my imaginary readers, what my dilemmas are. But I think I have to deal with it on my own first. I really miss writing and will be posting a lengthy post, soon I hope. Hope it’s not too late to wish you guys happy fasting and Ramadhan al-Mubarak! Love,  D ...

I stare at today's date Wondering why it looked so familiar Triggering a part of my brain Triggering a chapter of my life I hold my pen tight  Not knowing what to write Never written a poem to anyone Never thought you'd be the first one As I scribble a few words Many thoughts crossed my mind Am I being selfish Am I being unfair And so I've decided This is not a goodnight But indeed a goodbye Also, happy birthday

I've been meaning to write for a very long time already. It's like I literally have no time to even sleep sometime. Now that 2018 has finally come to an end, I feel like I have to write something since this year has been very difficult for me. If I were to say how bad it was, remember when in bahasa people always say, "hidup ni bagaikan roda, kadang kita di atas kadang kita di bawah" or "life is full of ups and downs"? Well, 2018 for me is like the very bottom of the wheel and it hit a very big rock and it stopped for a little while there. So how exactly has 2018 treated me? Well, that sounded a little selfish though. So how exactly have I spent my 2018? To put it in some sort of a phrase, I would say 2018 was the start of my journey to adulthood and it was definitely not a good one. Looking back in the days of 2018, I actually did something very big. I actually freaking MOVED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY. Though it wasn't my first time being apart from my fa...

Assalamualaikum and hi, my dear imaginary readers! It's been a very long time since the last time I wrote. I know I promised an end-year post or at least a new year post or whatnot but now it's already August so yeah. I've been busy (malas sebenarnya) with my so-called new life? condition? Something like that. I've been living in Japan for 5 months already. So macam I'm struggling to adapt lah. Kalau nak cerita the whole thing; studies, kawan, everyday life semua tu, I think I need a veryyyy long post for that. So basically, I'm still trying to accept the fact that I'm studying abroad and kena terima lah whatever the challenges are. Sometimes tu macam amazed gila with the fact that I used to be a very motivated person. Like if I'm determined to do something, I'll do it. Tapi sekarang, I feel like I'm a very negative person. I don't feel like myself dah. So, finding myself is one of the struggles jugak sekarang ni. Actually, this time...

When I was young, I've never thought that growing up would be this hard. I didn't know it involves 'heart' and 'feelings' this much. Few more days of 2017 and 3 months left till I can finally 'restart' my life again (hopefully). For almost three years of being here, I have learnt so much, gone through so many things. Knowing people, friends became strangers, got my heart broken for few times, super hard and long cry, non-stop laughter, changed because of people and became the reason for people to change and many more. My first year being in the 20s was hard, but I've learnt a lot. Countless of 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' to countless people. I'll put it all on my end year post. I really hope this year ends well. Love,  D.

Hi, imaginary readers. I hope it's not too late for a birthday post. Yes, I am no longer a teen (though I still claimed to be one). I'm finally 20 and hopefully wiser. Well, there are so many things that I hope I'll become especially when I've reached 20 already. Wiser, cleverer, thinner, prettier, more pious, more mature and more in everything that is good. I'm quite disappointed with what I've achieved in life so far. Seriously, there are so many people around me that have become someone and found what they want in life (I'm still searching though). Anyways, growing older made me realized that at some point in our life, the only thing that matters is yourself. Not to become self-centred, but it's unfortunately true. People forget about you, conversations become awkward, friends to strangers, finding new people and moving on. Sad isn't it? So, here's to the start of the journey of becoming an adult. Love, d. 

Well, hello my fellow imaginary readers (it's been a long time since the last time I've said this), I’ve never met someone so inspiring in my life. It’s amazing how someone can mean something in your life. Well, mean something is a heavy phrase though. More to trigger, or inspire. It’s addictive and you’ll keep finding things to answer your curiosity and amazement. The first day of my internship was quite heavy with all the thinking and remembering people’s names and faces (and those slides of basic ideas on what the company actually do). And that day, also, he opened my mind. That early. At first, it was hard to believe that he just entered the company. Because of the way he acted was so different. Then, when I knew he graduated from Australia, it strengthens my stand on ‘wow this guy must be brilliant’.   Then it happened that I knew his full name, and so I searched him on social media. I found him on Twitter and Instagram. OH MY. So freaking beautiful. Thos...

Mati. Naik bulu roma rasanya bila bicara soal mati. Berita kematian tak putus putus masuk dalam telinga aku since before Ramadhan haritu. Seolah olah macam inalillahiwainnaillahirajiun tu tak pernah lekang from mulut or whatsapp. Banyak sangat berita kematian sampai buat aku fikir, 'macam mana pengakhiran aku?' Bila atuk meninggal, aku jadi saksi air mata lelaki ayah jatuh sebab kedua orang tua dah pergi meninggalkan seorang anak. Bila mak kepada rakan aku meninggal, aku terfikir macam mana kalau aku di tempat dia, kuatkah aku. Dah tu beberapa hari sebelum final pulak tu terima berita macam tu. Kuatnya dia. Bila dengar berita ayah schoolmate meninggal sebab jatuh tangga and time tu dia dekat overseas tengah belajar, buat aku fikir, macam mana kalau ada something happen bila aku dekat Nihon nanti, hmm nauzubillah.  And sekarang, bila terima berita senpai yang aku kenal, meninggal kelmarin, hmm. Taktau nak rasa apa, sebak sangat. Punca kematian, lemas. Asbab yang aku kira...

Wait. I have a love-hate relationship with the word wait. They said time heals everything. They lied. A scar will always be there. No matter how long has passed, a scar is still a scar. And there are times when the scar actually bleed. Why? Because the pain is there. Covered beneath the scar. It’s just there no matter what you do. Say you broke up and met someone new, the things you’re doing or will be doing, remind you of that person. When you’re happy, sad, every single moment. You can’t just forget people over time. They’ve made their way into your book, they just live there; in a chapter or more. They won’t leave.  But, they are all there for some reasons. To teach you something or to be taught of something. Cherish them, or hate them, ignore them, or love them. Do whatever you want. They walked into your book, and so do you. You walked into theirs. Go ahead, write something in their book. Whether you want to write something nice and happy, or something sad and hurt...

I always have moments in my life that I feel like there's no one to talk to, no one to cry with or even no one to spend my daily life with. I mean, especially in every single month, I will always feel like that (not sure if its just 'that' time of the month ke apa but yeah). Bukan literally takde siapa, tapi macam even if there is someone beside me at the moment, I can't really express out apa apa pun yang tengah ada in my mind. Tak kisah lah whether I'm extremely happy or extremely sad. The fact that I'm in uni life now, makes everything extra difficult. I'll always feel like everyone dah move on with their own life especially my high school friends. Contohnya lah kan, nak cakap pasal hal uni macam studies or guys or friends kat sini, high school friends, they can't really do anything about it. I mean, yelah bila nak start cerita pun, you have to tell them from A to Z. Cerita tu confirm lah bersangkut paut, so you can't really put it in words e...

assalamualaikum semua. pejam celik pejam celik, maghrib ni dah nak Ramadhan dah. cepatnya masa berlalu. so, how are my imaginary readers? are you guys ready yet? dah setkan iman and niat? hmm, banyak sangat benda best dalam bulan Ramadhan ni, besides all those yummy food, bulan Ramadhan ni kita boleh test siapa diri kita sebenarnya. means, it depends on you lah sebab syaitan kan stop bekerja kejap, jadi kalau bulan Ramadhan ni kita rasa macam nak buat jahat, jom check balik iman. ni nak cerita ni, haritu one of my classmates had to do an impromptu speech sebab we all have to do the public speaking task tau depan the whole class, and his topic was about hope. so, macam i wasn't expecting anything, tiba-tiba he asked," so, dyls what's your current hope?" and without thinking, I said, "to satisfy others," Ya Allah. what was i thinking? memang tu ke apa yang hati aku nak? puaskan hati orang lain? haih somehow i am disappointed with myself. why did i answer ...

dah lama sangat rasanya tak post apa apa dekat sini. jap eh nak tiup habuk yang dah bertimbun ni (trying hard blogger mitai huhu) first of all, nak tanya sihat ke imaginary readers ku? apa habaq semua? macam mana hidup? macam mana iman? (amboi usrah mana ni, hihi gurau) jadinya macam ni, susah sebenarnya aku nak allocate masa nak post kat blog ni al maklum lah busy bebenor. sebelum tu, nak minta maaf laju-laju sebab tulis blog post dalam bahasa melayu and kalau terkeluar nihongo sikit sikit. bukan apa, nihongo aku pun tak hebat mana pun cuma, level english aku semakin down, kadang tu ada perkataan ingat nihongo nya je tapi english, melayu nya kat mana tah. so, balik kepada kenapa aku gigih karang ayat harini adalah kerana, aku nak cerita pasal dugaan. sebab benda ni of course lah kan jadi kat aku, tapi aku nak benda yang jadi kat aku boleh jadi ibrah untuk orang lain jugak. amin. so, for muqadimahnya, aku nak tanya, korang pernah tak rasa ada satu masa tu semua datang bertubi-t...

Assalamualaikum. It's been a long time since my last post here. It was last year I guess. Okay, so, the other day, I saw Anwar Hadi's tweet about 'describe yourself using verbs' thing and I finally figured out mine. I am so growing up and surviving. Ya Allah god knows how much I have to go through in the process of growing up and obviously I am still finding ways to survive in the path that I chose. Not that I regret in what I had chosen, but no doubt, it's hard and complicated. Growing up sucks. It's not the cliche thing or statement that you always hear, but it's just the reality. When people say life finally starts when you graduated from high school, it's true. Everything ahead of you is by your own choice. I mean, from every aspect. From the very complicated matter like where you going to continue your studies, who your friends are, what person you going to be in the future until to the very simple situation like where you going to eat or wh...

pernah tak dengar orang kata, "bertudung labuh itu tak semestinya baik, tapi yang baik itu semestinya bertudung labuh." mentaliti orang kita sekarang, bila nampak je perempuan itu bertudung labuh, perkara pertama yang terlintas di fikiran kita ialah dia itu ustazah, alim, hafizah Al-Quran, pengetahuan agamanya luas. jadi, yang free hair, yang rambutnya karat tu perempuan tak baik kah? jadi apa sebenarnya definisi kita untuk orang yang baik? orang yang kuat solat, orang yang hafaz Al-Quran, orang yang banyak sedekah, orang yang tutup aurat? jadi, apa pula definisi orang yang solat tapi tidak menutup aurat? orang yang solat tapi tidak menjaga ikhtilat? adakah orang sebegitu didefinisikan sebagai jahat? Allah dah cakap dalam Al-Quran, dalam Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 45, "dirikanlah solat, sesungguhnya solat itu dapat mencegah kemungkaran daripada perbuatan keji dan mungkar." bila baca ayat ni, kita mesti tertanya-tanya, kenapa dia solat, tapi dia tidak menutup aurat k...